• Tristan Chan
• On October 17, 2017
• http://porchdrinking.com
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Let’s be real for a second, craft beer isn’t actually about to purchase Anheuser-Busch InBev any time soon. We saw a wide array of responses to yesterday’s Take Craft Back campaign from The Brewers Association, however we thought we’d explore this hypothetical just one step farther. What if craft beer actually purchased Anheuser-Busch? What if this funny little gimmick went viral and got some serious legs behind it? We thought we’d play out that scenario with a few hypothetical results of our own.

1. Free Peach Pumpkin Pale Ales for everyone. You get a 3PA and you get a 3PA and YOU get a 3PA!
2. Similarly, we’ll make it rain South African hops!
3. The Clydesdales are finally released from enslavement and granted a comfortable retirement on spent grain.
4. Several bar, stadiums, and concert venues world-wide go bankrupt after having to actually pay full-price for beer. Ohhhhhh snap we went there!
5. Craft beer finally brewed “the hard way”.
6. Taprooms furnished with live edge wood now made exclusively from beechwood.
7. Bud’s Super Bowl ad spots are devoted to just one giant list of every craft brewery in the U.S. and the half time show will exclusively feature The Motet.
8. The industry ban on formerly AB-owned brands will finally be lifted and beer geeks can finally re-emerge with their unbridled fanaticism for the Bourbon County line and Wicked Weed… nothing else will really change.
9. The High End Brand is temporarily rebranded as “The Kids Table Brand” and forced to go through a 2-5 year probation period before being allowed back to normal operational/voting rights.
10. All executives from The High End division will be forced to wear a scarlet Independent Label for a year, and will subsequently be required to record a video apologizing to their craft brethren, extolling how much they missed being independent, and how they had actually fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome.
11. The bottle on the Independent Label finally turns right-side up.
12. Michael Kiser and Good Beer Hunting pivot their attention and begin waging a subversive war against independent puppy adoption shelters.

Watch the Take Craft Back campaign video